PASSIONATE RATIONS

Class two of my “Professional Bartender” course began with fruit.

Lemons and limes to be precise.

After sharpening our knives, we proceeded to cut rounds, slices and wedges, all with the goal of speed and beauty, hanging them off our drinks like holiday decor.

Then, using a tool called a “channel knife,” we did the twist–peeling the skin of our lemons and limes into long, thin strips we rubbed on our glass rims and twisted into our drinks as garnishes. I always thought of lemons and limes as pretty similar, but found that limes, actually, are much heartier in a sense–much less willing to forfeit their skins to the imbibing public than their lemony counterparts. Try it. You’ll see.

Going on, perhaps in a homage to the pending Oscars, and definitely by way of introduction to the iconic martini, my instructor played a clip from a reading of Ian Fleming’s Casino Royale:

“Three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it’s ice cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?”

Further:

“[I]f you can get a vodka made with grain instead of potatoes, you will find it still better.”

Apparently, potato vodkas were/are standard in Europe and grain vodkas considered de rigueur. The opposite is true here in the States, by the way.

We went on a martini free-for-all, making standard and dry martinis, along with Manhattans and Gibsons and the “perfect” versions of same (50/50 ratio of sweet to dry vermouth instead of just straight vermouth). The prize? A recipe card with Bond’s particular martini laid out for us in all of its bruised-gin glory.

We practiced several other drinks (this time with the benefit of a cheat sheet–distributed by the instructor) then went into “night club” mode: the lights were lowered, music was turned up and drink orders flashed up on the screen, while our instructor pretended to be a distracting, slightly intoxicated customer. Ready, set, go…

It was all very surreal. And messy.

But it was appropos to the final message of class: dealing with your obligations under the law, and, in particular, how to handle intoxicated customers. The take-aways? Stay calm and polite, but firm; Discretion is the better part of valor.

I enjoyed myself so much, I went out and applied for a bartending job. Keep your fingers crossed!