PASSIONATE RATIONS

Tonight, as I was dabbing Otomax on my dog’s hoo-hoo, I thought back over the last two years of veterinary adventures we’ve experienced. I think I can now qualify for a veterinary assistant position. Here’s what I could put on my resume:

1) Able to administer subcutaneous fluids to squirming fuzzy things.
2) Able to force pills down the throats of unhappy cats and make them beg for more (well, no, not really that last part).
3) Able to administer enemas to VERY unhappy cats, made unhappier by…well…the enema.
4) Able to mask pills to make the dog think they’re treats so she’s actually happy to eat them.
5) Able to administer pedicures to particularly pissed-off pets.
6) Able to brush kitty teeth and doggie dentition until they’re minty fresh.
7) Able to get a cat to swallow Vaseline to lube its piping (mmmm, Vaseline).
8 ) Able to shoot vials of liquid medicinals into a cat’s mouth at such small quantities and such great speed that it doesn’t choke and barely knows anything happened.
9) Able to brush kitty coats until enough I have enough hair to fashion another whole cat…or three.
10) Able to administer ear drops while avoiding maximum deployment of claw-age.
11) Able to bathe dog without her thinking she’s getting anything less than full-on spa treatments at a five-star pet hotel.
12) Able to identify minute changes in bowel and feeding habits.
13) Able to administer liquified cat food through a feeding tube (mmmm, liquified kitty sludge).
14) Able to wash kitties in the tub without losing an eye.
15) Able to remove ticks without them turning their blood-sucking ways upon me.
16) Able to work out elaborate feeding schedules to try and fatten up one cat while thinning down the other. (Come to think of it, maybe I shouldn’t include this one given the fact that one of my cats continues to take on the proportions of Jabba the Hutt).
17) You already know about the hoo-hoo. I had no idea dogs could get yeast infections. Ah, the dignity.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to learn yet how to cure bad hips. Or cancer. But I’m working on those.