PASSIONATE RATIONS

I’ve long been perplexed about the following statement on countless sugarless-gum wrappers:  “Not a Low Calorie Food.”

Okaaaay….   I suppose the “not low calorie” part is true if you CHEW TWO WHOLE PACKETS IN ONE SITTING!  But, come on, one piece is only five calories!   Do we really need the heads-up?   And, if so, what does that say about American culture?  I picture obese gum addicts in alleys smelling of tutti-frutti, rocking to-and-fro while feverishly popping little squares of candy-coated gum out of their individually-wrapped packets (which, come to think of it, DO resemble drug delivery systems) and shoving them one-by-one into their mouths, swallowing when they can no longer chew.

But is gum really a “food” anyway?  Talk about empty calories!  Nothing even makes it to your stomach, unless you swallow the little globules.

If it’s not sugar, just what composes those five calories?

No.  On second thought, I don’t want to know.

Just let me enjoy the tanning-oil smell and tropical taste of Trident’s new Cool Colada flavor without worrying about gaining a micro-ounce.

Sheesh.